It's funny...

...when the clearest understanding about your life and where you are in it comes from the least expected place.

As we come upon the last two weeks of Mark's time off I've come to realize how gut wrenching it will be for me to no longer have him here. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I am constantly hurting in some part of my head either from grinding, squinting or misfiring and it's been pointed out that I am most likely doing this to myself in misguided attempts to remain strong. I have TMJ with constant (oh and I DO mean CONSTANT) headaches and jaw pain. I have muscle aches in my entire body. I am constantly tired and searching for the will to get out of bed. Most recently I've been diagnosed with Labrinthitis which among other things can be caused by anxiety/depression/stress. WHAT? I don't have any of those! Riiiiight.

The fact is, although I am unbelievably happy, thrilled, thankful, humbled by the fact that Mark has done so well and is able to return to work in full health "ahead of schedule" as the doctor put it; still a part of me is inconsolably sad. I want to wail. I want to lay down and sob. But I am the strong one. I am the one who doesn't cry. I am the one who puts on a brave face, answers the millions of questions thrown at me by family, friends, co-workers. This is my job. This is my RIGHT. This is what keeps me going and helps me.

But that job is over.

And where does that leave me?

Alone in a house with three kids right back to "normalcy". Ya right.

I love having my Beloved at home. He is fun and funny and he helps me with the little things. He plays with his kids. He does laundry and dishes! He sits and talks to me about mundane crap. We play games together. He goes to the store with me. He is my confidante, my friend, my rock. He is my 24/7 ear, or hug, or smack if I need it. What will I do without him here?

And if I don't allow myself to go there...what will be the next physical issue I cause to myself?

I can't lay down and cry it out. There aren't enough tears in the world to express my grief at losing this time. I do need prayer though. This is the place I go to for that.

I feel like such a baby. I feel like I'm throwing all of God's blessings right back in his face. He answered EVERY SINGLE PRAYER we cried out to Him. And here I am basically upset that He did. So very selfish. I want it all. So very, very selfish.

I thank the Lord everyday for healing Mark. For making the battle relatively easy (comparatively speaking). I KNOW how lucky we are. I KNOW how fast it was resolved. I KNOW that we have been blessed beyond compare in our relationship, in our loved ones, in our growth of our Faith. I KNOW these things in my head and yet still I weep for what I'm about to lose. I dread spending 10-12 hour days without him, I bristle at the thought of him driving for two hours every day, I cringe at the thought of him being tired on his days off and unable or unwilling to spend the quality time with us as he has been because he simply doesn't have the energy. I even am not looking forward to not stressing about money anymore because seriously...we've made it work! (ok...that's pushing it a little.)

I don't know the answer. I don't know how to get over this nonsense and just move forward. My body is suffering. My emotions have taken their toll on my physical being and I don't know how to stop.

I pray for guidance. I ask for your prayers for my guidance as well.

Thank you to the sweet Angel who opened my eyes to this. Yes, this is where we become inseparable. This is where there is no more darkness and light in the horizon. Thank you.