So I think I'm weird.

I've come to the conclusion this morning that I'm just not normal. Now, before y'all say, "DUH, we knew that!" let me explain what I mean!

I've been strong willed and bull headed since I realized I had a voice. I'm argumentative, opinionated, stubborn, willful, well, the list goes on and on. When I was younger I thought it was my job to let everyone around me know my opinion about EVERYTHING. I was a fighter! If there was something I thought was wrong, boy would I talk til I was blue in the face to prove my viewpoint was THE viewpoint! I think I came by it naturally...I come from a family of "always right Erbes". Now don't get me wrong, by no means am I trying to say that I'm not still this way to an extent because these are very deeply bred personality traits we're talking about here and let's face it, without a labotomy they ain't going anywhere! However, as I age and experience life I'm definitely learning to control my outbursts of self righteousness; and to be honest, the idea that I am in fact, always right, has faded tremendously over the last 10 or so years. Now part of this is simply age and experience. A bigger part is that I married a man 10 TIMES as stubborn as myself and one of us had to change or it was Divorce Court for us! (In his defense he made a lot of changes too. Nice thing about a strong marriage is making those changes together!)

I used to be a grudge holder. Like BAD! Someone would tick me off and they were on my "ignore list" for hours, days, weeks, even months depending on the offense. I recall the first grudge I really played up as a 7th grader. It was with my locker partner. No recollection of what she did exactly, but boy did I hold on to that one for a while! Moved out of the locker, walked on the opposite side of the hall, left the bathroom if she dared enter while I was in there. Looking back on that I think...now who did that REALLY hurt? Sure wasn't her cuz hey, that's one less moody redhead to deal with! But my heart was weighed down by this anger! So I'm sitting at the table this morning, thinking about my history with people. Yes, as I've gotten older I've gotten calmer, more laid back, less confrontational. I can actually WALK AWAY from an argument rather than fight for a week over who INDEED left that dirty plate in the sink! (it was Mark by the way....) And...here's why I think I'm weird...I'm actually learning to not only expect CHANGE in my life, but also to ACCEPT and flow with it! In fact, I kind of LIKE change! Well, ok...in little doses anyway.

There are five relationships that I hold a special place for in my heart. Each of them has been a treacherous journey in it's own right, but they all have one similar element. My own blasted stubborness. At one time or another in the years I have had these relationships I have known for a fact that it was over. I would never speak to this person again, I was better off without them and GOOD RIDDANCE! Or simply that we were just meant for different paths in this life and that our journey in it together had reached it's end. No malice, no big blowout, just over. In all but one I was wrong.

After years of separation and anger, I reconnected with one of these five people by chance. We talked, reminisced, and forgave. She is now one of my dearest and most valued friendships and I would not be who I am today without her in my life! We are like sisters, our children like cousins, our lives forever intertwined with love, friendship and history. She cries, I cry. She laughs, I laugh. I look back at how much I hated her at one time and know that although yes, I had reason and yes, they were valid reasons...it hurt me more than her to hold onto that grudge. Actually, she's one of the reasons I say to this day that I don't HATE people because it takes as much passion or more to hate someone as it does to love them. If I truly dislike a person, to waste that much energy on them is just ridiculous! What's funny is I'm positive that our friendship would not be as strong as it is today, without what happened all those years ago.

So another of these relationships just kind of drifted. Our lives changed, we changed, we grew apart and went our separate ways. On and off throughout those years I've been certain that the friendship was just done. Great ride, love ya, but see ya kind of thing. Harsh but reality and the way my brain works sometimes. But through the years we've always come back around to each other and it's never been uncomfortable. Always been like we never had a gap. We always seem to find common ground and come back together. I realize now that she will be in my life forever. It will never matter how much time passes between visits or phone calls. We are in it for the long haul and that's just the way it is. She's the sister God gave to me; she was just born to another family.

Two more are on the mend...again, and the last one, well, I just don't know but I will wait to see what happens. I've learned the hard way in my life that things don't always go as planned. Not everything turns out the way you think it should or the way you want, but that doesn't mean it's not the way it's SUPPOSED to be! I have to remember that I am just a player in this world, I am not the ring leader. God has a plan for me, He has a plan for my family, my friends, and how we will all go through this life together! He has shown me things about myself and others that I ignored before. Notice I don't say "didn't see" because I'm sure I DID see them...but in my own stubborness and righteousness I CHOSE not to. So, I'm trying REALLY hard to just go with the flow and not REACT. That's hard for an Erbes....really, REALLY hard.

Pastor Jim was gone on a retreat this week. In his place Pastor Brent led service. Now I gotta tell you, Brent is another person that holds a very special place in my heart. I love that man. I hardly know him at all, but I love him and I will for the rest of my life. He is the one who did Joe's service for us. I think there are people sent to you by God when you need them most; to comfort you in a physical way with His grace. I know Brent was that person for Mark and me. But anyway, I digress. He said something in service that really struck home to me. "Allow me to cast out all that is not of the Spirit". Now think about that. Cast out ALL that is not of God. That's a LOT!!!! All my worries, all my fears, all my anger and righteousness. The judging, the fighting, the blackness that threatens to cover my heart. None of that is from God!! So why would I allow it to darken me? Why dwell on things that hurt nobody but myself in the end? Why not forgive and forget and give people the benefit of the doubt? Because I'm scared of being hurt? Because I don't want to be disappointed again? Because I think I'm RIGHT????

Ya. I guess that's what it comes down to. I'm always right. But ya know what? I don't want to be anymore. I don't want things to always go my way or be what I consider perfect because my perfection may not be someone else's perfection. And I may LOVE that person and want them in my life REGARDLESS of the fact that they aren't "perfect". So, I'm going to take my mom's advice. I'm going to 'Let Go, Let God'. I want to see what HE wants me to do and LISTEN to Him when he whispers to me and just let it flow...I'm gonna GO WITH THE FLOW!!! I think it's easier when you relinquish control. Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'm going to not control MYSELF or my actions, but to let God control the outcome. I will try really hard to not have a preconception of what the outcome will be in all these relationships or any future ones. I'll just see how it all works out and know that it's how it should be.

Hmm...I think I might be growing up.